Systematic Memology
I know that to many of the younger people with whom I work I am like so unc with my beliefs being shaped more by systematic theology than modern memology. I come by it honestly having been raised in the Catholic church with weekly doses of catechism, high school Young Life Bible Studies, followed by early adulthood participating in Navigators’ ministry, and later in adulthood being steeped in Biblical teaching through Bible Study Fellowship which has provided me with a foundation for my role as a large group teaching leader for a children’s Bible club, AWANA. Still, I can appreciate that many people assimilate and express their beliefs more in their memology than in their theology.
In this regard I have been playing catch-up trying to develop my personal memology. My Biblical training has taught me that if I develop the proper mindset, I will be able to discern The Divine’s will in all things. (Romans 12:1-2). In the Christian circle I have heard said, “Good theology leads to good doxology (worship), and good doxology leads to good hymnology (writing of songs of praise).” Perhaps the modern standard is that good memology, leads to good psychology, and good psychology leads to good social interaction, especially on social media. Developing a good memology remains a curious task for me, because I must test all memes that I encounter against my knowledge of psychology, theology, common sense, and social intelligence. For example, I recently encountered a meme specifying things immune from the necessity of apology, and the list immediately evoked questions regarding practical application. I particularly questioned if my past and my choices should be subject to blanket immunity from apology. 
First, in most cases, it is what I have already done, the past, that deserves apology. In many cases apologizing beforehand is just sociopathic justification of a premeditated act and poor impulse control. For example,holding someone at gunpoint and saying, “I am sorry to be robbing you like this, but I need the money” would just not seem valid to me. Interrupting an intimate moment with, “I am sorry, I need to take this call,” when you know the caller has nothing urgent to say that is more important than the person across from you, is probably less severe, but still shows poor social intelligence. A reasonable exception to the sociopathic premeditation premise is medical professionals expressing sorrow over the fact that a procedure will be painful, or a treatment, like chemotherapy or radiation, will have some miserable side-effects; that demonstrates empathy. Personally, I am pleased to have developed the virtues of self-control and consideration to be able to make better choices, instead of apologizing beforehand.
My actions are the result of my choices, and my choices have consequences. Often those consequences negatively impact others. Self-awareness brings me to recognize and regret the impact of my choices on my life, but empathy causes me to recognize and regret the impact my choices have made on others. The power of an apology is that it expresses empathy, and the power of empathy is that can initiate healing. I recently wanted to initiate healing in a relationship, so I offered an apology.
The event had passed but the wound had not properly healed. I had tried to stop the bleeding at the time, but my apology in the moment failed. I made the mistake of not giving an unqualified apology but instead mixing in the justification of good intent. I did not consider that in doing so, I was invalidating the other person’s response to my action. The person reacted by giving argument to invalidate my good intent by showing previous bad acts ito make the case that I was dishonest and a malicious angry person. I realized I was in one of those arguments which I could not win, so I withdrew my apology and gave up.
It took me some time and some personal growth to realize the error of my ways. One of the most meaningful instructions I ever got from a counselor was that “In every relationship you must keep track of where you end, and the other person begins.” In an apology, I only need to express sorrow for the part directly related to my actions. I could do so without confessing to all of the charges the other person has against me. The other person is free to hold court in their head convicting me of whatever charges they want, but that is them not me. I can only practice radical acceptance of the other person’s reality. It is not my job to validate their perceptions, nor is it my role to convince them that mine are correct.
In revisiting the rift, instead of invalidating the other person’s response by arguing good intent, I was able to say, “I am sorry that my action has left you feeling betrayed.” This time as for distant bad acts that were brought up in response, I was able to say, “I am sorry that you have such negative recollections of our experience together” In these statements I did not invalidate the other person’s experience and gave them freedom to interpret events as they will and freedom to determine their response going forward. If they judged me to be of poor character, I would have to accept that. I left the other person free to sentence me to social exile, and I was prepared to live with that. However, whatever judgement and sentence they decided, they would be burdened with carrying out its execution.
Yes, I was humbled to be the one to apologize. However, from a Biblical perspective there is Divine favor in being humble; it is strength. (James 4:8). I have no regrets.
While I don’t agree in totality with many social media memes, I understand their origins. Many memes express an ego-defensive point of view. As George W. Bush said, “Fool us once; shame on us. Fool us twice…and well…well uh, we won’t be fooled again.” I get the sense that some internet memes project the experience of those who have been through a toxic relationship with a victim narcissist. In such relationships you are always walking on eggshells waiting for the next eruption of rage in which you will be required to apologize for some perceived offense. In that context, apologies become personal sacrifices offered in repeated rituals of appeasement to the other’s inner rage, which is often a projection of self-doubt, even self-loathing.
By contrast, if you act out the opposite extreme wherein you refuse to ever take responsibility for your actions and how they affected others, then you are the toxic one. As a healthy person, you can use apologies as a tool to express empathy for what the other person is experiencing. In healthy relationships apologies are reasonable sacrifices made to heal a relationship. How do you tell the difference between a healthy gift of healing and a desperate act of appeasement? One unhealthy sign that I have noticed over the years is that when one person, even if it is me, seems more interested in winning the argument than winning the relationship, that is a toxic situation. I should condense that sentiment into a meme, even though it is based on a Biblical principle:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:3-4)