Getting In and Out!



Yes, I want onions with my Double-Double just as much as I want love with my sex.  Some people want their onions grilled; some people prefer their onions raw and some people prefer to forego onion altogether on a burger.  Some people like the caramelized love of a long term commitment; some people like the fresh raw love of a new relationship, and some people just like the sex without any commitment or attachment  The whole fast food model does seem to be appropriate for discussing sex outside of commitment.  I certainly don’t mean to pick on one of my favorite burger joints In-N-Out, but it just seems to be so topical given that recently we discovered prominent sports figure, Patriots owner Robert Kraft, allegedly chose to address his sexual desires In-N-Out style.

According to reports the type of massage parlor he was frequenting is like an In-N-Out in that you can order from the menu and customize according to the standard options (Shiatsu or Swedish, with hands or feet, hard or soft pressure, with or without oil), or you can order from the “secret menu” and get options like protein style, animal style, or just cheesy fries. Allegedly Mr. Kraft decided to just drive up in his Bentley, order from the “secret menu,  get his fry all cheesy and leave. Is there necessarily a connection between how a man orders food and how he acquires sex? Maybe!

In high school and college I did observe that certain people of my age group tended to evaluate both sex and food choices using the same rubric giving weight to qualities of quick, cheap and easy while favoring quantity over quality. For some guys, there was also the added quest for variety and they could not stand to eat at the same fast food place twice in a row or even twice in the same week.  To be clear these traits were prevalent but not universal. I could list several fine exemplars of men I know who have been making love to the same woman since either high school or college and remain married to her decades later.  Note: I have a friend who has been married to the same woman for decades and every time I go to lunch with him he chooses In-N-Out and orders a plain hamburger single patty with neither cheese or onions; still he is very affectionate with his wife after all these years.   

I like to think the qualities we look for in regards to sex and food change over time as we grow and mature.  In the world of tech project management we always talk about the diagram that contains three overlapping circles in a triangle representing the qualities of Good, Fast and Cheap.   The general production rubric is that you can only have two out of the three.   Maybe that applies to sex and food as well.

The rubric indicates that, if you want cheap but good, you are going to have to wait.  During college my go-to for cheap but good was Rico’s Pizza. It did cost a bit more than Roadrunner delivery but less than Steve’s Pizza.  However, being a young athlete consuming five thousand calories per day quantity was a quality all its own and Rico’s had the 24” Pizza which gave the highest square inches of pizza per dollar.  My roommate was also a young athlete and together we had a whole pre-pizza ritual.  The antecedent was two-hour workout (Karate for him and wrestling practice for me).  We usually ended up reaching the dining commons just as the dinner time was ending, if at all.  The pre-pizza ritual picked up about two hours into our evening studying with him saying he was still hungry.  We would go back and forth for about another 45 minutes with quips like, “Aren’t you still hungry?” and “I sure could eat a little something” before we finally went to Rico’s.  Then after pondering the menu for fifteen minutes we would order the exact same thing we had ordered at the previous visit and every visit before that, a split 24” with double pepperoni on his half and Canadian bacon and pineapple on mine.  It was not about variety for us.  I suppose the equivalent in the dating world would be having a steady girlfriend with whom, if you are willing to chat-her-up over time, invest in a few dates and establish a relationship, you would get the maximum return of affection per dollar and hour invested. 

My go-to cheap and fast is probably value meals and McDonalds or the late night munchies meals at Jack’s.  I am not saying that cheap and fast food does not have its moments.   There have been times when I only had four bucks and that value meal at Mickey D’s filled the hunger spot.  I have been told by numerous sources that after a night of drinking Jack’s tacos are just the thing (probably a craving for fats to slow the absorption of alcohol and salt to help with fluid retention). Some of the same sources have informed me that Jack’s tacos do not possess the same appeal when consumed in the light of day, while fully sober.  According to the news reports, Mr. Kraft was allegedly going for cheap and fast for his sex.  No comparison should be made between women and tacos; the authenticity of Mexican food being denigrated to satisfy the desires of drunken college kids is a negligible offense in comparison to women being denigrated, enslaved and dehumanized to satisfy the desires of horny old guys.  Still, if the news stories are true I do question Mr. Kraft’s sobriety going to the Orchids of Asia Day Spa in broad daylight.  

I would also question why Mr. Kraft was going for cheap and quick when with his wealth he could afford fast and good, e.g. take-out or catering from a five-star restaurant.  According to the rubric fast and good is the most expensive option.   I recall a particular event in my college wrestling career when our trainer appeared at the beginning of practice to speak to the team.  He informed us that we had all been exposed to scabies through one of our teammates.  Furthermore, practice was cancelled and instead we were each issued a vial of medication that we were to go home and spread over all of our body after showering and then wash all clothing and bedding before use. Our trainer held up an amber vial containing the white frothy substance and one team member, known as The Ranting Man, remarked that it looked like the ejaculate of an elephant; he used a much more colorful term.   The same team member was able to deduce the identity of patient zero based on who had been excluded from practice in the past few days.  He further inferred that said team member must have engaged in some ignominious, ignoble and all around iggy [sic] activity of the most lurid kind to contract such a disease.  (The source of the infection was never confirmed but scabies is spread by prolonged skin to skin contact).  Anyway, when patient zero returned to practice, The Ranting Man went off on him, “I had to go home and spread [pachyderm ejaculate] all over my body and purge my house just because you can’t learn to control your urges; Damnit [Patient Zero] why can’t you learn to pay more for your entertainment?”   If the story is true, why didn’t Rorbert Kraft just learn to pay more for his entertainment?  Why was he using sex-slaves, when he could afford to at least pay a professional enough to keep his patronage confidential and avoid legal entanglement, which cost so much more in the long run? 

I am not saying mere entertainment is the ultimate goal.  I know it would seem that way given the entertainment media industry in American is projected to earn $720 Billion dollars in 2020.   I must preface the following with the disclosure that I do not own a television and I have cancelled my Netflix and suspended Hulu, but I find I want more from life than mere entertainment. With time my taste and desires have changed.  I do still go to restaurants. Often before going out to eat, friends will ask me, “So where do you want to eat?”  My answer is always the same, “I will eat anything but road kill…and I will even eat that if it is dressed right.”  (The folks in North Carolina, Utah and Wisconsin know what I’m talking about).  I am not saying I don’t have discriminating taste.  I have some definite foodie tendencies which are played out in spending four hours at a time making my mole verde and then on a separate night spending another hour or two steeping chicken in the mole to make chicken enchiladas .  The reason that I invest the time and money into making a quality meal is the reciprocated joy of bringing a pleasurable gustatory experience to another person. However, when it comes to sharing a meal, it is more about who I share the meal with than the meal itself.  These days food is more about quality than quantity; I wouldn’t even attempt to finish half a Rico’s pizza in one sitting.  I would rather take my time and enjoy a little that is good than shove gobs of something greasy down my gullet just to fill the hunger. I enjoy a meal with someone to build a relationship more than to fill a hunger.  It is as much about the conversation during the meal as the meal itself.  Good meals just like good sex should be about intimacy and building relationships as much as physical satisfaction.  I still like In-N-Out, but I don't want my Double-Double without onion. I still think sex is great but DO NOT want it without love.

If this article has triggered cravings or urges for fast food you can access the following resources: IN-N-Out, Steve's Pizza,  Jack In The Box or McDonald's. Readers are encouraged to consider health consequences when indulging in fast food options.  For list of other states and corresponding regulations for harvest of road kill see Wide Open Eats Entertainment Industry stats courtesy of Statista. If you suspect you or a friend has scabies see more information at Web MD: You should not take online sources and being definitive diagnoses but seek the advice and care of a physician if signs or symptoms persist.   


  • Thank you Debi. I hope you are getting all of your needs met gustatory and otherwise 😉😋

    Derek Taylor
  • Well written. Humorous and entertaining. I enjoyed your associations between fast food and fast sex; both can hit the spot, both can leave you craving something more filling.

    Deborah McCulley

Leave a comment

Name .
Message .

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published